The Shannara Chronicles - 'The Chosen (Part 1)'

The distant future, the year 2000...

In a time of legends, a band of heroes led by an ancient wizard must set out on a quest across New Zealand to thwart the forces of darkness, but it's not those heroes, nor that wizard or those forces of darkness. No; this New Zealand is the Four Lands, a post-apocalyptic pastoral occupied by humans, elves and others and free from all magic since time immemorial (like, at least thirty years.) Based on the Shannara novels of Terry Brooks (one of the lesser Terrys of fantasy,) and in particular The Elfstones of Shannara (the second book of the series, because fuck it, messing with the chronology worked so well for Star Wars.)

Because ancient mystical orders don't need reasons.

Between the time of the War of the Races (but not, I assure you, a 'race war') and the later books in this series was a time undreamed of. Unto this came Amberle (Poppy Drayton), an elf princess with sassy friends and a burning desire to join the traditionally-but-not-legally all-male Chosen. In order to do so, she trains in secret to take part in the blind luck race from the movie Intacto, as all the candidates line up blindfolded and with their hands tied behind their backs to run through an expanse of dense woodland filled with ditches so full of broken branches that they might as well be pit traps, kicking and tripping and gouging with no holds barred for the honour of joining this elite order of... um...

"As your king, I welcome you to the Order of the Chosen,
because that's who I am - the King - and you are the Chosen.
All clear so far?"

Ah! Thankfully, here comes John Rhys-Davies as the king of the elves (he's a breath of class, but seriously; "I need an elf king; get me that bloke who played a dwarf!") to give us some much needed exposition. The new Chosen step up to take a year's duty guarding the Ellcrys, a fancy-looking tree in a remote garden which may or may not hold an army of demons at bay, depending on whether you believe such things, which the elves basically don't being a rational and modern bunch. Yeah; if the beards and extreme Tough Mudder selection process didn't give it away, these ain't your traditional fantasy elves. They have sass and spunk, use phrases like 'are you kidding?' and go to fancy cocktail parties in backless dresses with feathery fascinators in their hair (although admittedly that's not until later.)

Flick sword. Because apparently druidcicles don't need
reasons either.

When Amberle touches the tree, however, she has a sudden vision of horrible death and destruction and her friends being torn apart by winged demons. At the same moment Manu Bennett wakes up in an icy cave, calls on the magic of the Earth to flow through his veins and busts out a motherfucking flick sword, so we know some shit just got real. We also know that he is some sort of insane badass since he's been lying on a slab of ice for who knows how long in nothing but a loincloth with no ill-effects. Amberle retreats to her room and draws charcoal sketches of demons until her sassy pal coaxes her out for the party to celebrate the new Chosen.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

While Amberle and her friends attend this swanky soiree and she has another freakout (either from a vision of stabbing her fiance to death, not that the smug twit doesn't seem to deserve a little light perforation, or because she's just realised that her frock is more slit than fabric,) we cross the continent to meet our other protagonist, Wil Ohmsford (Austin Butler), a lanky streak of white bread who lives in the shadow of a rusting ship, perched Ark-like on the top of a hill. Having gone on a medicine run just too late to save his mother (although honestly, I'm pretty sure she had something like cancer and he was fetching aspirin,) half-elf Wil is left alone in the world with no inheritance but a sulky expression and a bag of marbles (his father's 'Elfstones', hinting at either a mystical heritage or a very messy divorce.)

Elftown; sort of a Minas Tirith meets Space Mountain vibe.

Feeling displaced, Wil sets off for... somewhere else. Back in Elftown, Manu rocks up, slinging some magic to get past the Home Guard ("Don't panic, King Eventine! Don't panic!") and getting sassed by the King's son. Now, I get that the elves don't believe in magic and what not as a matter of course, but seriously, this is Manu Bennett. Even if you think he's up to no good, what kind of prat would get all up in the face of someone with six inches and a hundred pounds on them, who looks like he eats rocks and shits metal? Apparently these elves are neither magical, nor wise; not immortal, as fifty years back is apparently waybackwhen and only the King even vaguely remembers that this is Allanon the Druid.

Would you really want to get all up
in this man's grill?

The Ellcrys is definitely sickening, its bark marred by deep gashes. The elves are saddened by what looks to be a major cultural bummer and are presumably trying to work out what they could get the winners of a blindfolded race to guard now (possibly a care home for elves crippled by falling into ditches while blindfolded.) Allanon however confirms that, yes, the Ellcrys really is a magical barrier created as part of the Forbidding, trapping a vast army of demons outside the world. How vast? Well, see that red tree up there? One demon per leaf; that's how vast. If a leaf falls, a demon is released from the Forbidding. If the tree dies, the entire barrier goes poof and it's goodnight Vienna (I mean, except that Vienna is already an overgrown ruin; goodnight Elftown I guess, since only the elves seem to have anything even approximating a city.)

"For identification purposes, I am not an
East African republic."

Elsewhere, Wil is attacked by a troll in a gas mask, but rescued by a rover girl named Eretria (Ivana Baquero). What's a rover? Well, its a slightly desperate attempt not to call a culture of somewhat romanticised travelling thieves 'gypsies'. I'm not sure we're convinced. Eritrea, who wears more straps and belts than a 90s Image Comics superhero, and some not-even-remotely-Romani-inspired ethnic jewellery, sasses Wil but agrees to travel with him. He gets misty eyed for the marvels of ancient humanity while admiring the rusted hulk of a helicopter, but she takes a more pragmatic line. Back at her place, Eretria gets all sexysexy at Wil, then drugs him and steals his Elfstones. (I am increasingly convinced that 'elfstones' is a euphemism, you know.)

This scene is important, because it establishes that Wil is a fucking moron who accepts lifts and drinks from strangers - albeit a stranger who did save his life - and who apparently genuinely expects hot brunettes to fling themselves at his bland whiteness (really, I can not emphasise enough how bland Wil is. 'Slightly pointed ears' is the totality of his characterisation to date.) I think he's supposed to be endearingly naive, especially compared to the worldly and jaded Eretria.

Moral ambiguity is not this series' hallmark.

To wrap up the first half of the season opener, one of the leaves of the Ellcrys falls - or rather, spontaneously combusts - and a demon lord type with hella facial piercings (because facial piercings mean bad, yo!) appears in a welter of fire and magma in a remote region, echoing Allanon's icy waking by repeating his magic in the veins mantra and then busting out a flick staff. He raises a defensive 'henge of stone', because he doesn't know what a fucking henge actually is* and snarls like a boss.

You might think this review is as long as it is so I can include
lots of pictures with snarky captions, but I couldn't possibly
comment. Instead, I leave you with Sassy Elf  and her look of
vague disapproval.

The opening part of The Shannara Chronicles is a hot mess and it is fucking glorious. The combination of decent effects and New Zealand make for a gorgeous spectacle, and pleasingly they've chosen parts of New Zealand that aren't the same ones used in Lord of the Rings, but it's entry-level fantasy and the characters are pretty bland, if blandly pretty. In other words, this is not high-class television, but I am totally in for the ride.

* It's a circular ditch and bank earthwork, not the monumental stone or wood construction that may or may not be within it.