Game of Thrones - 'No One'

"I'm the best there is at what I do. But what I do best isn't very nice."

After seven episodes of set up, Game of Thrones is poised for the end of season slalom, although 'No One' spends much of its run time in that final hanging moment before the drop.

Was anyone wondering if the Hound had lost his chops, what with the being near-dead and living the peaceful life? Well, wonder no more, as he murders a bunch of the Brotherhood Without Banners in a truly one-sided fight. Finding his true targets about to be hanged by the orthodox Brotherhood for exactly the same reasons he wants to, I don't know, chop off their arms and watch them try to staunch the bleeding with their feet, he bargains to be allowed to execute two of the three and steals the leader's boots.

Stay classy, Sandor.

He then chews the fat with Thoros and Beric, who insist that there is a reason that he isn't dead and invite him to come and do what he does best in the war against the White Walkers. he doesn't say no... Okay, he does say no, and fuck off, a couple of times, but not quite finally, the Brotherhood being pushier than doorstep salesmen.

"I said violins!"

In King's Landing, Cersei defies a summons to appear before the High Sparrow. When Lancel and his fellow Sparrow-Militant (Sparrowhawks?) try to push the matter, one of them loses his head; quite literally, as the Mountain reminds us that unbelievably brutal violence ain't nothing but a family thing. Her triumph is short lived, however, as Tommen announces that her trial will take place soon, and FYI trial by combat is now barred as being biased in favour of those with eight foot tall, quasi-undead bodyguards. Just in case we were tempted to forget that this is a family with very few actual good guys, Uncle Kevan picks up some dickhead points when he dismisses Cersei during the announcement to stand with 'the other ladies of the court.'

"You can be my wingman any time."

Brienne and Pod rock up at Riverrun, where Bron offers Pod some lessons in dirty fighting. Brienne announces her success in her mission, and asks to be allowed to speak to the Blackfish, and to leave with him and his army if she can persuade him to surrender the castle. She also offers the return of Oathkeeper, which Jamie declines, saying that it will always be hers. Permitted to enter Riverrun, Brienne presents Sansa's letter to the Blackfish, but he declines to surrender his ancestral home to go to the relief of Sansa's.

Hedging his bets, Jamie goes to Edmuir and explains that all he cares about is getting this business done so that he can get back to Cersei in King's Landing. He offers Edmuir a deal: Lannister support for him and the son he has never met if he helps to take the castle; otherwise he'll bring the boy to Riverrun and catapult him over the wall. To his credit, Edmuir shows a lot more backbone than he has done previously, but this threat is too much for him. He orders the Tully soldiers to let him into the castle, and then to stand down and surrender' orders which his sworn men obey, much to the anger of the Blackfish, who smuggles Brienne and Pod out before disappointingly dying off screen.

To prove he isn't a complete moral vacuum, Jamie sees Brienne sneaking away and waves her off.

In Mereen, Tyrion sees Varys off on an advance mission to Westeros. Not long after, the Masters of the other cities arrive to show what they think of Tyrion's diplomacy, couching their considered arguments in the form of ship-mounted trebuchets and flaming missiles. Fortunately, Danaerys returns just as shit is getting real.

Poor Tyrion; he will insist on coming up with clever plans that rely on other people being reasonable about things.

Game of Thrones does Assassin's Creed.

Arya seeks shelter with Lady Crane, the actress she didn't assassinate, who has incorporated Arya's notes to great critical and commercial acclaim. Lady Crane offers her a place in the players, while Arya contemplates heading west of Westeros. After a quiet night, however, the Waif breaks in and brutally murders Arya's protector, before engaging her in an extended foot race, zipping down the streets and steps of Braavos like the coin in the credit sequence.

Eventually, the Waif corners Arya in a candlelit cellar. Arya draws Needle and, in a bravura moment, cuts the candle, plunging the room into the darkness that she knows much better than the Waif.

To no-one's great surprise then, when a Man follows a blood trail into the Hall of Faces, he finds the Waif's visage newly placed and Arya alive and walking, if not quite kicking. At last, he tells her, she is no one. "No," she replies. "A girl is Arya Stark, and she's going home."

"I'd love to help, but I was only contracted for another two episodes."

'No One' wraps up a lot of what feel like extended digressions, designed to keep the various plots progressing at the same speed. Two seasons of the House of Black and White have made Arya a little harder, but this and Danaerys' sojourn in Vaes Dothrak seem designed to ensure that their endgames didn't occur until the end of the season. Similarly - and more disappointingly - the whole Riverrun episode seems to serve little purpose but to host Jamie and Brienne's reunion, and to remove the Blackfish from play after the writers figured they didn't have anything much to do with him after all. The fact that he died off screen gives me some hope that he might come back, but it's a thin hope all told. It's not likely that they'd misidentify him, so I'm adding him to the list of characters I'd kind of rather had stayed 'elsewhere', along with Summer, the Martells, and especially Osha.

Ah well. Strap yourselves in as we reach episode nine. It could get a bit choppy.