Dark Knight

Man, some sap buying this on the basis of the box art
was in for a shock.

Thanks to LoveFilm, I have been revisiting a part of my past lately, with sub-Herculean Anglo-Antipodean fantasy 'spectacular' Dark Knight, which aimed to do for Ivanhoe what Robin of Sherwood did for Robin Hood, but ends up doing what The Legend of William Tell* did for William Tell**.

The story follows Sir Ivanhoe of Rotherwood - because apparently the year 2000 wasn't going to go for a hero named Wilfred of Ivanhoe, even if he never used the Wilfred and despite the success of 1997's awesome BBC adaptation - who escapes from captivity in the Holy Land and returns to England to battle the forces of wicked King John and raise the ransom to have King Richard released. So far, so this is the story of Ivanhoe, except that John has a court necromancer, Ivanhoe is the 'chosen one' touched by some higher power (possibly God, possibly Diana, it's never really explored; just... assumed,) and radical Jewish female lead Rebecca of York is a flame-haired martial artist with nary a Semitic bone in her body.

Episode by episode, Ivanhoe confronts some bizarre mystical threat - in episodes where the enemy is purely mortal, this element is usually provided by comedy magician sidekick Odo screwing up a spell, or comedy early-science sidekick Friar Bacon meddling with forces that he ought not to wot of - while Mordour the necromancer tries to persuade John to get involved in some shenanigans which will ultimately benefit Mordour. The CGI is terrible - John's castle is not the worst example, but does show up in every episode - the fight choreography is basic, the plots are ludicrous and Ivanhoe often seeks advice from a druid named Fingal. Who lives in a cave.

Ben Pullen, Charlotte Comer and Peter Farrell as Ivanhoe,
Rebecca and Odo

How ludicrous are the plots? Well, in one episode Ivanhoe's identical semi-demonic half-brother, born of a liaison between Ivanhoe's father Cedric and a water-snake-witch in the guise of his mother, commits a double murder for which Ivanhoe is blamed. The brother of one of the victims comes after Ivanhoe for revenge. Now, Ivanhoe does have an alibi in this: At the time of the murder, he was sparring. Several miles away. With the vengeful brother. Yes, the person seeking revenge is the accused's alibi (and one of several, a fact which the 'tense' trial scene overlooks,) but apparently has decided that he is himself just lying to protect Ivanhoe.

The series is not without its saving graces, mind you. Veteran character player Jeffrey Thomas is a hoot as Mordour, and his counterpart John Bach as Queen Eleanor's scary, scar-faced bodyguard Du Bois is solid. Also, full disclosure: I'm pretty sure I only saw as much of this as I did when it was on TV because I had a massive crush on Charlotte Comer. On repeat viewing, while I'm a bit old for TV crushes now, I regret nothing. What can I say: I go for red-haired Jewish witches in a big way***.

Oh, and a special note for the score. It's... Basically, it's a really good orchestral score, but played on a mid-priced synthesiser. It's almost painful to listen to.

Dark Knight. Never look back.

* If you don't remember this one, then you probably weren't watching way too much crappy fantasy TV in the late 90s. Go you.
** Seriously, his crossbow was backwards. BACKWARDS.
*** Really; that very specific thing turns out to be my type.